When you set your goals and New Year’s resolutions did you ask yourself, “How do I want to feel this year?”
When grown-ups asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up, did they also ask you how you wanted to feel when you grew up?
These may sound like silly questions, but Danielle Laporte, author of “The Desire Map” suggests that when we set goals and strive to fulfill dreams we are actually striving to fulfill a desired feeling, not a desired goal destination or achievement.
This is why you can reach a goal or desired accomplishment and still feel unsuccessful, unhappy, or unfulfilled. You reached the goal, but what you were “really seeking” is still missing.
She argues that we have goal setting backwards. Instead of starting with a goal and driving full force ahead to achieve it, we should start with the feelings we desire to feel and then create our world and our goals around the desired feelings.
Danielle Laporte shares her thoughts on letting your feelings and desires drive your goals in this interview with Marie Forleo:
To use your desired feelings to create your goals start by looking inside yourself and asking yourself, “How do I want to feel?”
For many of you this question may make you feel uncomfortable or leave an empty void in your mind and heart. There is nothing wrong with you if that is your experience.
Because the truth is, most of us have feeling gardens that have been trampled by well-meaning adults trying to groom us into the adults they thought we should be.
As a child how often were you told your laughter was too loud, or your giggles were inappropriate. Or told to wipe away your tears, and ‘chin up’ when you were feeling sad. Anger outbursts and temper-tantrums were surely met with glaring disdain and disapproval.
As good little children we quickly learned to suppress and subdue the expression of our feelings and transform into well-behaved goal driven adults.
So now I’m giving you permission to return to your inner garden and let those feeling flowers blossom.
Start by asking yourself, “What do I want?”. Then ask yourself, “Why do I want that?” and “How do I hope that will make me feel?”
Spend some time every day asking yourself, “How do I want to feel?”
Be patient with yourself as you explore your inner feelings and desires. Danielle said it took her five years to identify her core desired feelings.
Start with the feelings you identify now and then continue to probe and check-in with yourself as you re-grow your feelings garden. Your identified feelings may change as you get clearer at uncovering the core desires within you.
Once you have identified 3-5 core feelings then ask yourself, “What can I do today to create these feelings?”
Then ask yourself, “What do I need to do, have, or experience to have these feelings in my life?”
These two questions will help you to create a fulfilling life you love, both in the present and the future. You do not have to wait for the accomplishment of your goals to have a full and happy life.
Instead of working towards achieving goals and accomplishments you are now creating your life day by day.
My core desired feelings are:
What are your core desired feelings? Share in the comments below.
By Carolyn Almendarez